Attack of the Rabid Fangirls
by Closet-Monster
Summary: Legolas is captured by rabid fangirls. What will they do to him? What will he do to them? O.o Read and review!
1. The First Night of Hell

A/N: Okay. I'm reaaalllyy bored and I feel for all those poor, poor fictional characters out there with too many fans...or no fans. In any case, this is a story about what happens to Legolas when he gets attacked by some fangirls. RABID fangirls. I mean, whoa, they're like way psychotic ----------------------------------------------------------------- like this far out of their minds psychotic. What will happen to our favorite elf when he's caught!? Read and find out!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. *mutters profanities* No suing! ^^ Read, enjoy, and review!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*The First Night of Hell*~*~*~*~*  
  
It was nearing sundown when Legolas finally stopped running. He should've been able to keep going, but the fangirls had caught him off guard the night before and stole his food, water, sanity, and yes...some of his clothes.  
  
He sits down on a nearby rock, catching his breath.  
  
"They think I'll surrender to them without my supplies, but I'm here to say, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" He stands up and shouts, "I'LL NEVER GIVE MYSELF OVER TO YOU! HEAR ME!? NEVEEERRR!!"  
  
A few moments pass by in silence. He looks around, suddenly feeling very vulnerable, and sits back down. "...maybe I should start a fire." He gets up to go look for some wood, but stops. "But that'll give away my position." He holds his fists in the air and screams. "Damn you rabid fangirls!"  
  
Sighing heavily, he plops down next to a tree and leans against it. "I'll be fine, it's not that cold."  
  
:::::TEN MINUTES LATER:::::  
  
"Gyah! I've been out here for what, five seconds!? And my nuts are already frozen! They're probably the size of grapes by now!" He pauses, realizing someone might hear this embarrassing information. "I mean...boy it sure is cold out here!" He laughs nervously and sits back down.   
  
"I'll just go to sleep and when I wake up, everything will be back to normal..." He falls back against the tree trunk and begins to dream.  
  
:::::MEANWHILE:::::  
  
"Oh my God, look at him!"  
  
"Isn't he so CUTE!?"  
  
"But what's he doing!?"  
  
"Sleeping of course!"  
  
"With his eyes open!?"  
  
"Duh! Don't you know anything about elves!?"  
  
"Oh, well in that case, we should make our move!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Alright!"  
  
"Let's go!"  
  
One by one, the fangirls tip-toe over to the resting elf.  
  
"Oh, I'm so excited!"  
  
"Shh! We're almost there!"  
  
Just as they were about to enter the camp site, one steps on a twig, snapping it in half.  
  
"Shit!" They all dive into the bushes as Legolas wakes up.  
  
"Huh!? Who goes there!?"  
  
Rustles are heard from the nearby shrubbery. A girl failingly attempts to conceal her laughter. "Um, no one! Just go back to sleep!"  
  
"Oh no, I'm not falling for that one again!" He stands up to leave, but nothing can hold back rabid fangirls.  
  
"Get 'em!"  
  
They charge out of the brush, tackling him to the ground. "BWA HAHAHA! Now you'll be ours FOREVER!"  
  
"No, get off me !"  
  
"You can't escape Leggy! Give up!"  
  
"Leggy!? Get the hell away from me!"  
  
"Stop resisting! Embrace your capture!"  
  
"NooOOOooOOooo!" He kicks and screams to no avail. *pantpant* "Alright, I surrender."  
  
"Yaaayyyy!" The rabid fangirls release him. "Now you have to do whatever we want!"  
  
*sigh* "What do I have to do?"  
  
"Give us all your arrows!"  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"For souvenirs!"  
  
"But, but-"  
  
"No buts!"  
  
"But they're my baaabbiieesss!"  
  
"GIVE THEM TO US NOW!"  
  
"Ah! Alright, take 'em!" He throws his quiver to the ground. The fangirls jump on it.  
  
"Leggy arrows!"  
  
"Ow, it poked me!"  
  
"Hey, that one's mine!"  
  
"Stop pushing!"  
  
He starts to back up but runs into some more obsessed fans.   
  
"Now you have to let us play with your hair..."  
  
"What!?" He shrieks like a school girl. "No, not my hair! Leave it be!"   
  
They close in on him tighter. "Oh come on, we won't bite."  
  
"It'll only hurt a little..."  
  
"...haha. Or a lot."  
  
"No! Stay back!" He reaches for his arrows, but since he gave them away, they were obviously all gone. "Ah crap."  
  
The fangirls jump on him, tugging at his hair until each has a decent sized blonde chunk.   
  
One stands up and brushes off her pants. "Now you gotta let us fix it."  
  
"No, that's okay, it'll be fine."  
  
"No really, I insist." She pulls out a comb from somewhere and proceeds to rip it through what was left of his hair.  
  
"Ow, ow, ow." He winces. This wasn't the first time this had happened to him. "Ow, ow, ow...okay, I think that's enough."  
  
"Yeah, you're right. We should get started on spin the bottle!" Another girl gets out a plastic bottle and places it on the ground in front of Legolas.  
  
"Oh no..." He looks around for something to distract them with, but finds nothing.  
  
"Come on, spin it already elf boy!"  
  
"Yeah, come on!"  
  
"You can do it Leggy!" Aragorn squeals. Everyone looks at him. Legolas faints. "I mean...poo." He runs off with about 20 fangirls behind him.  
  
Legolas sits back up. "That was strange..." He looks back around and sees the bottle in front of him. "Um, hey! Look over there!" He points to a random direction. "It's Legolas!"  
  
"What!?"  
  
"Really!?"   
  
Everyone turns to see. The elf takes this opportunity and chucks the bottle into a nearby field of tall grass. "Hahaha! Now I won't have to ki-" He realizes the rabid fangirls are staring at him.  
  
One of their heads turns a 180 degrees around and looks at him. "You do NOT want to finish that sentence."  
  
*gulp* "You're right, I don't. Haha, what was I ever thinking?" He smiles nervously.  
  
"Oh, we didn't know you felt that way Leggy! Everyone, GROUP HUG!"  
  
"No, wait!" He waves his hands frantically in the air. "You guys have to go get the bottle!"  
  
They stop. "Oh yeah. Well, stay right here while some of our cult...err, I mean, ETHNIC group goes and gets it!"   
  
^^;; "Eh-heh, sure. No problem"  
  
A couple run off to go retrieve the bottle.  
  
"Okay, while they're out looking for it, we can play truth or dare!"  
  
"Oh geez..."  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT!?"  
  
"I said, 'Oh, how wonderful!'"  
  
"That's what I thought."  
  
They sit in a circle, pulling Legolas down with them. "Okay Leggy! Truth or dare!?"  
  
"Tru-"  
  
"Do you like lembas bread? Oh wait, that's a stupid question. Are you," *gigglegiggle* "...gay?"  
  
He sat for a moment thinking of how to answer that. Maybe if he told them he was, they would leave him alone... "Yes, yes I am."  
  
"Really!? Yay! Now we can do more girl stuff!" ^^  
  
"Wait, I changed my-"  
  
"No, he's lying to us! You're not gay!"  
  
"Yeah! You can't get away THAT easily!"  
  
"Since you have lied to the almighty ones, you can no longer be a darer or a questioner."  
  
"Hey, that's not fair!"  
  
"YES IT IS! YOU LIED TO US!"  
  
"Eaugh, fine."  
  
^^ "Okay. What do you use to clean your hair?"  
  
"That's not a truth question..."  
  
"So what. Just answer it."  
  
"Mmm," *ponder* "Lemon juice."  
  
"...huh?"  
  
"Oh yeah, and garlic!"  
  
"...how odd. But I guess if that's what you use, it must work!" ^^  
  
"Fools..."  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"I didn't say anything."  
  
A leader fangirl waves a couple off to get the said items.  
  
"Hmm, what should we do next?"  
  
"I dunno."  
  
"Oh! Maybe we can take his boxers!"  
  
"He doesn't wear boxers, he wears briefs!"  
  
"Boxers!"  
  
"Briefs!"  
  
"BOXERS!"  
  
"BRIEFS!"  
  
"He doesn't wear EITHER of those!"  
  
"Oh yes he does!"  
  
"Does not!"   
  
"Does too!"  
  
"DOES NOT!  
  
"DOES TOO!"  
  
This continues on a bit with Legolas sitting nearby, temporarily forgotten. "All right, now's my chance..." He stands up and silently runs over to a tree.  
  
"THONG!"  
  
"G-STRING!"  
  
"NOTHING!"  
  
"BOX-"  
  
"Oh my Gosh, look you guys!" A random fangirl shouts and points to the elf, who was climbing a tree at that moment.  
  
"Goddamnit..."   
  
"What do you think you're doing!?"  
  
"What does it look like I'm doing!? I'm running away from you...you...you FREAKS!"  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"WE ARE NOT FREAKS!"  
  
"WE ARE RABID FANGIRLS!"  
  
"DO YOU DEFY US!?"  
  
"GET BACK DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"  
  
"No you psychos! Leave me alone!"  
  
"PSYCHOS!?"  
  
"OH, THAT DOES IT!"  
  
The rabid fangirls swarm over to the base of the tree and attempt to climb up.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Son of a bitch!"  
  
"How'd he get up there!? The branches are too high!"  
  
"Don't worry! We can form a human ladder!"  
  
"Good idea!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Everyone get on someone else's shoulders and hold steady!"  
  
They do as they're told and to the great surprise and horror of Legolas, they succeed in creating a stable human ladder.  
  
"Every time..." He mutters.  
  
"We're coming for you Legolas!"  
  
"No, please, stay away!"  
  
"We can't do that! We...must...HAVE YOU!!"  
  
"NO!" He desperately looks for a way to escape, but can't see very far in the dark. "Damnit, damnit, damnit! Why meee!? Why does this always happen to meee!?"  
  
"BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST!"  
  
"Then why do you torture me like this!?"  
  
"WE LOVE YOOUUU!"  
  
"No, go away!" He kicks a couple back to the ground, who are caught by fellow fangirls.   
  
"DO NOT TRY TO INFLICT PAIN UPON US! WE ARE INVINCIBLE!"  
  
"NooOOOoo! Help meeeeeee!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: *GASP!* Will the fangirls ever reach Legolas!? How will he escape their wrath!? Read later to find out! XD  
  
^^ Please Review! ^^ 


	2. It's a Ghost!

A/N: *running around in circles* Reviews!Reviews!Reviews! ^^...O.O What are you looking at!? JUST BECAUSE I'M OVERLY HAPPY ABOUT THE REVIEWS I GOT DOESN'T MEAN I'M CRAZY! ...okay, maybe it does. ^^;; Second chapter's up! Read and enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: *crying hysterically* I DON'T OWN LEGOLAAASSSS! WAAHHHH! ...I mean, I don't care! *crosses arms* *cries* LEAVE ME ALONE!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*It's a Ghost!*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Legolas was trapped. There was nowhere to go. He searched for something to help him escape with, but there was nothing. Only the cold night sky...and of course the fangirls.  
  
"COME TO US LEGOLLLAASSSSSSS!"  
  
"YES, EMBRACE THE FANGIRLS!!"  
  
"JOIN US OR DIE!"  
  
Everyone stops to stare at this last one. "No killing Leggy!" They shove her off the human ladder.  
  
"Bastards!"  
  
"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET BEE-OTCH!"  
  
'Alright,' Legolas thought, 'I should make my move while they're fighting. But where can I go? The other trees are too far away and I can't very well plummet to my death. ...Or can I?' He takes a look over the leaves and at the ground. 'Well, here goes nothing...hope I don't hurt my nads." He steps ever so slightly away from the limb.  
  
"Oh my God!" A fangirl screams. "WHAT IS HE DOING!?"  
  
'Mwa hahahaha. They'll never fig-' He starts to lose his balance. "Oh SHIT!"  
  
Instead of falling gracefully from the tree, he makes a wrong move and tumbles off the limb, plummeting through the lower branches. "Ow, ow, ow, ow-" His pants get snagged on one momentarily.  
  
^^ "Oh, see! I told you he wears briefs!"  
  
O.O "Those aren't briefs!"  
  
He gets unhooked and lands in some bushes, out of the fangirls' view.  
  
They all look over.  
  
"Oh my God! I'm totally mortified!" One by one, they crawl down off each other's shoulders and slowly walk over to the now still shrubbery.  
  
"Do you think he's alive?"  
  
"I dunno...let's poke 'em with a stick!"  
  
"No! We have to be gentle with him!"  
  
"...let's throw a rock at 'em!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Wait, call me crazy, but I think maybe we should give him CPR!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Oh, oh! And we can search him for broken bones!"  
  
"Yeessssss!"  
  
"This'll be fun!"  
  
"Don't worry Leggy, we're coming!"  
  
:::::IN THE BUSH:::::  
  
'Wait, did they just say something about performing CPR? And searching for broken bones? Ah crap, now I've gotta get away from here before they reach the bush! But how?' He turns his head to look at the plant surrounding him. 'Hmmm...I think I have an idea.' He grabs handfuls of shrub and dirt, throwing them on his body as he goes along. 'Yeah...this should do it.'  
  
:::::OUTSIDE:::::   
  
The fangirls continue creeping up to the bush.  
  
O.O "I hope he's okay..."  
  
^^ "I hope he's still hot!"  
  
Suddenly the bush shakes.  
  
"AH! What was that!?"  
  
It shakes again.  
  
"Legolas? Is that you?"  
  
*moan*  
  
"Hold on Leggy!" The fangirls run forward.  
  
"ROOOOOAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!"  
  
"Gyah!" They skid to a halt as a figure jumps up from the brush.  
  
"Hear ye! Hear ye!"  
  
"...Uh, Legolas?"  
  
It was indeed Legolas. Covered from head to toe in plant and dirt, twigs sticking out of his hair and grime smeared across his face. Of course HE didn't want them to know this obvious fact, so what does he do? Does he run away? No, nothing like that. He decides to stand his ground and face his foes. Very stupid on his part. "Um, ROAR!"  
  
*sweatdrop* "And who are you supposed to be?"  
  
"I'm, uh, well...you should know who I am!"  
  
"Riiighhttt..."  
  
*gasp!* "Wait you guys! I think maybe this is Legolas's spirit!"  
  
He almost gawks at the girls stupidity. But seeing an opportunity to take advantage in it, he encourages the statement. "Yes! It is I! The Great Elf Spirit! LEGOLAS'S GHOST!!"  
  
*GASP!*  
  
"That is right!" He points to a random fan. "And it is yooouuuu, YOU who killed him!"  
  
"NooOOOooOOO!!" She falls dramatically to the ground.  
  
The rest just stare at her.  
  
"...I wasn't just talking about HER."  
  
"...waaahhhhhhhh!" They all drop to their knees. "Please don't hurt us Mr. Great Elf Spirit! We didn't want him to diieeeee!"  
  
"Yeah! We just wanted to love him!"  
  
"And hug him!"  
  
"And squeeze 'em!"  
  
"And kiss him!"  
  
"And feed 'em!"  
  
"And wash him!"  
  
"And hug 'em!"  
  
"And love 'em!"  
  
"And-"  
  
"STTOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP!!!" He clutches his ears. "No more! Do not speak of such matters!" By now the muck was starting to come off his skin and leaves were falling out of his hair. "Now leave this place or forever be haunted by...ME!!"  
  
"AAAHHHHH!" They scream and run around in mass confusion.  
  
Seeing this was going nowhere, the elf bagan to walk away in the opposite direction.  
  
A fangirl notices and calls out to him. When he doesn't answer, she runs over to the bush he came out of. "H-hey! You guys, come over here!" The rabid fangirls stop in mid-panic, walking over to where the other one stood. "There's no body!"  
  
"What!?" A vein pops in someone's head.  
  
"That little prick tricked us!" Someone else clenches their teeth.  
  
"Grrr...come on girls! Let's get 'em!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
Everyone makes fists and run after the escaping elf.  
  
...poor, poor little elf.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: What will happen when the rabid fangirls catch him!? WILL they catch him!? Where will Legolas run to! BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
.....................*coughcough*.................  
  
Um, hope you liked it! ^^;; Please review! 


	3. The Cave

A/N: This...is me. ^_________________________^   
  
You know why?  
  
....  
  
BECAUSE YOU REVIEWED!!  
  
*happiness* :)  
  
Disclaimer: LOTR is not mine. *sadness* :(  
  
~*~*~*~*~*The Cave*~*~*~*~*  
  
It seemed he had been running for hours. Well, it had only been a couple of minutes since the fangirls had caught onto his trail, but he was tired, cold, and extremely frightened. ...and hungry. That bastard Sam stole his marshmellows on one of his previous "vacations" and he missed them dearly. So, so very dearly.  
  
...anyway. O.o Legolas began slowing down as his muscles weakened. Yes, he had trained for this day for centuries...seeing as he had nothing better to do than prepare himself for the attack of rabid fangirls...but the sad truth was he couldn't do anything without his daily dose of marshmellow. It was an addiction. *twitch* HE NEEDED THEEMMMM!!  
  
...erm... *runs away*  
  
Legolas: O.O *blink* "Well..."  
  
Bwa haha! I'm back! And I bring you gifts!  
  
Legolas: "What could you possibly give me right now that would help my situation?"  
  
^^ A marshmellow! *hands*  
  
Legolas: *stare* Do I even wanna know?  
  
...possibly.  
  
Legolas: "I'll take that as a no." *eats*  
  
^^ Yay! Now that should be just enough to get you to that cave over there! *points to creepy-looking cave in the distance*  
  
Legolas: *raises an eyebrow* In this storm?  
  
^^ Yep!  
  
Legolas: ...couldn't you have made me a more, uh... *glances over at cave* ...comfortable shelter?  
  
Oh, that's no fun silly! ^^ Have fun! *returns to authoress position*  
  
The elf sighs and runs into the rain. Clouds drift overhead and block out the moon.  
  
Legolas stops and looks up. "What the fu-"  
  
A lightning bolt strikes the ground inches away from him.  
  
"AH! What the hell was that for!?"  
  
The clouds part momentarily and I peer down. "No saying the fuck word!"  
  
He raises another eyebrow. "But you say it all the time."  
  
"Erm..." *looks around* "Later!" *poof*  
  
"Haha." He points at the sky. "You just went poof."  
  
Another bolt striked the ground.  
  
"Hey, watch it!"  
  
*bolt*  
  
"HEY!"  
  
*bolt*  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
*bolt bolt bolt*  
  
"AHHHHHH!!" He takes off. "Can't you do something useful with those things!?"  
  
The sky lights up with lightning as a giant neon arrow forms and points toward the cave.  
  
"....that works." He follows the sign to the entrance of the cave and looks up. "Thanks authoress lady."  
  
^^ "Call me goddess." I wave the middle finger before leaving.  
  
"..." He walks into the dimly lit cavern and-  
  
Legolas: "Why is it dimly lit?"  
  
...because there's a fire.  
  
Legolas: "Why is there a fire?"  
  
Because someone made one.  
  
Legolas: "Why did someone ma-"  
  
SHUT-UP! *points at fire* NOW GO!  
  
"Ah!" The elf jumps over to the flame. "No, but really, who ma-"  
  
*poof*  
  
"...bitch."  
  
"I HEARD THAT!!"  
  
"Eep!" He abruptly sits down. Everything becomes quiet. "...is someone in here?"  
  
"Take off you clothes." A voice booms.  
  
"What!?" He crosses his arms over his chest protectively. "...authoress lady? Is that you?"  
  
"Um, no."  
  
"Oh...who the hell's there!?"  
  
"...God."  
  
"God? Who's God?"  
  
"Erm, I mean Elbereth."  
  
"Don't try to trick me!" *looks around* "Why do you want me to take off my clothes?"  
  
"You're wet."  
  
"I'm not-" He looks down. "...shut-up. It was raining."  
  
"Come on Leggy, take it off!"  
  
*gasp!* "Leggy!? There's only two people who call me that! Fangirls and-"  
  
"Meeeee!" Aragorn falls off a rock he was sitting on. "Hey Leggy."  
  
"...erm, Aragorn?"  
  
He pulls himself up and stumbles over to his friend. "Whaaa?"  
  
"You are...disorientated."  
  
"Soo?"  
  
"And you're slurring."  
  
The ranger scratches his ass, then his head in confusion.  
  
"You're drunk man."  
  
*shifty eyes* "No I'm not." A bottle of whiskey falls out of his pocket. "That...it's not mine." He kicks it to the side.  
  
"It's okay, just don't-"  
  
"Leggyyyyy!!" *tackles*  
  
"...do that."  
  
"I missed you so muuuchh!"  
  
"You saw me like an hour ago."  
  
"I did?"  
  
"...you were amongst the fangirls."  
  
"Ohhh." He looks thoughtful, then blinks. "Anyway, then I went to this cave and made a fire and ate a rock and it was really tasty but kind of hard and then I found some stuff to drink 'cuz this bat told me and-"  
  
"Wait, did you just say bat?"  
  
"...I dunno. I think I did."  
  
Legolas gets up. "Where is it?"  
  
*passes out*  
  
"...stupid drunk." He looks around until he spots the small creature. *clears throat* "Ee ee eeee."  
  
The animal cocks its head to the side. "Ee?"  
  
*nod*  
  
"Ee eeee e!" (You speak bat!)  
  
"E." (Yep.)  
  
"....eeeeeeeeeeee?" (Wassuuupppp?)  
  
"Ee ee ee ee e." (Wondering if you knew somewhere I could hide from the fangirls.)  
  
"Ee eee?" (Cave not good enough for you?)  
  
"Ee, ee!" (No, no!) *mumbles something*  
  
"Eee!? Ee eee e ee ee!?" (What!? You say somethin' 'bout mah mamma!?)  
  
"N-no!"  
  
"Just because I'm little doesn't mean I can't kick your ass!"  
  
"Huh!? You speak the common tongue!?"  
  
"Hell yeah I speak it! Why wouldn't I!?"  
  
"You're a...bat."  
  
"So!? Don't mean I'm dumb!"  
  
"I never said you were dumb, it's just-"  
  
"Oh! So now you're racist!?"  
  
"What!?"  
  
"You think I'm trash just 'cuz I'm brown!"  
  
*blink* "...I never actually thought of that..."  
  
"Well here's somethin' to think about!" It lets go of the ceiling. "Time to die futhah muckah!"  
  
"You mean mother fu-"  
  
"DIIIEEEEE!!!" It swoops down to the elf and scratches at him. "One, it's not called the common tongue, it's ENGLISH!" *scratch* "Second of all, bats are not stupid!" *scratch* "And third of all, MAH MAMMA WAS NOT A BUSH BABY!!!!" *scratch scratch*  
  
"Ahhhhhhhh!" He waves him arms frantically in the air. "Get off! Get off!!" He suddenly stops and looks around. "...it's gone."  
  
He begins walking toward the fire when Aragorn sits up, squints at him, and drawls, "You have a leaf-ed in your har." *passes back out*  
  
O.O "Oh no." The elf reaches a hand over his head and feels the fur.  
  
"EEEEEEEEE!!!" The bat wriggles in his hair.  
  
"Gyah! Get out, GET OUT!" He swats at it. "Leave my golden locks alone!"  
  
"Eeeeeeeeeee!"  
  
Legolas makes his way over to the sleeping Aragorn. "AH! ...help...ME!!"  
  
As if on command, the ranger stands up, plucks the struggling creature out of his hair, and lays back down with it in his arms.  
  
"Eee!"  
  
*blink* "...AHAHAHAHAHA!!"  
  
"What!?"  
  
"You two are so CUTE! Just like a couple!"  
  
"A couple!? I'm more like a teddy bear than anything jackass!"  
  
*points and laughs* "YOU'RE SPOONING!!!"  
  
"GAH!" The bat lifts its head. "E EE EEE E EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!""  
  
The ground shakes. Legolas clutches his ears. "Shut it you little monster!"  
  
It does. He looks around.  
  
*boom*  
  
"What was that?"  
  
*boom boom*  
  
"...wings?"  
  
*boom boom boom*  
  
"Wings go boom?"  
  
*BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM*  
  
"Oh shit..."  
  
Hundeds of bats fly into view, heading straight for Legolas.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: *GASP!* What will happen to Legolas!? Will the bats visciously eat him alive!? Will Aragorn ever become sober!? Will I ever shut-up!? *GASP!* Read next time to find out! XD  
  
^^ Please review! ^^ 


	4. Bats Like Humor

A/N: *looks around* ....daaaaaaaaamn. When's the last time I updated THIS fic?  
  
*is bombarded by fruit*  
  
ACK! I'm sorry! I've just...kinda lost my LOTR spirit and I've been busy with my other fics...so...uh...*runs*  
  
Disclaimer: I know, you thought I'd own it by now, but I don't. *cry* I just realized how much I miss Legolas! *throws a conniption*   
  
Oh, and thanks for all the--.....wait. I only got three last time...*shrug* Oh well! Thanks to Dew-Shan of Egypt, Lobo Diablo Lone Wolf and BURN THE R.U.M for reviewing! I think maybe I'll update this one regularly from now on! ^^ Though I have no idea how I'm gonna end it or anything.. o_o;;  
  
~*~*~*~*~*Bats Like Humor*~*~*~*~*~  
  
TO RECAP: We find our hero!...err...sexy little elf?...on the run from rabid fangirls! But when he runs to a nearby cave for shelter, a drunken Aragorn awaits him! Not to mention all the bats about to rip him to shreds...*covers face* I CAN'T WATCH!!  
  
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"Gyah!" He dives to the side, barely missing the infuriated swarm. "Aragorn, wake up!"  
  
*snore*  
  
"Leave it to a drunk to help his friend in need..."  
  
The cries of the bats alert him to the situation.  
  
"Uh, uh, uh...ah-HA!" He swipes the whiskey bottle off the ground. 'I guess he DOES have his uses...'  
  
"EEEEEEEE?!"  
  
He takes a swig, his face contorted by the taste, and grabs a log from the fire. "Take one more step...er, FLAP closer, and I'll blow you out of this cave!"  
  
The mass hovers a little ways off, trying to make sense out of the shouting elf.  
  
"...e EE!" A few of the younger ones fly forward shrieking.  
  
He quickly places the burning log in front of him and blows.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEE!!!" They recoil from the flame, the smell of singed fur wafting behind them.  
  
He laughs maniacally and tips the bottle back again, beckoning them with the wood. "Come on, let's go!"  
  
"E ee eee e ee e e..." They talk amongst themselves, throwing worried glances his way.  
  
"Hmph," he smirks, walking over to the unconscious ranger. "You plan on sleeping all night?"  
  
*snooore*  
  
He frowns. "Do I have to carry you?"  
  
*grumble*  
  
"...are you awake?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"Aragorn!" He gives him a small kick. "Get up you lazy bum! There's a horde of fiends above us!"  
  
"Fiends! Where?!" His eyes fly open and he jumps to his feet, spinning on his heel. "I know!" He snatches the bottle out of Legolas's hand and smashes it on a rock.  
  
*gasp* "What are you DOING?! That was our only means of escape!"  
  
He ignores his friend and sticks the sharp end of the glass in front of him. "I'LL CUT YA BITCH!!"  
  
"Not again..." He watches the now ecstatic man make jabbing motions at the air.  
  
"YA WANNA PIECE A ME!? HUH?! DO YA?!"  
  
The bats look at each other, making amused squeaks every now and then.  
  
Meanwhile Legolas was thinking of how Elrond would react when he found out the Prince of Mirkwood and the future King of Gondor were killed by a measly pack of bats.  
  
"Huh?" Aragorn throws an arm over the elf's shoulder. "What's the mattah buddy?"  
  
*twitch* "We're about to die a horrible, disgustingly painful death."  
  
"Hehe! You're funny Leggy! But what're ya talkin' about?"  
  
"What do you mean what am I talking abou..." He trails off, his eyes widening in surprise at the swarm of bats above them.  
  
They were all hanging from the ceiling, delight shining in their eyes, watching the two of them intently. Some were passing around popcorn and whispering in each other's ears, earning laugh-like squeaks from their counterparts.  
  
"What are they...what are they doing?"  
  
"I dunno, but I'm gettin' really hungry..."  
  
Their ears perk at his comment and bits of popcorn fall to the ground.  
  
He dives for them. "Oooo, yummy!" They flap their wings humorously, a couple falling from their perches and rolling on the cavern floor at his hilarious antics.  
  
"Heh...heheh...yeah."  
  
"Mm, that was good!" He jumps up with an imaginary microphone. "Wooo! Ya like that?!"  
  
"EE EEE EEEEE!!!"  
  
"Thank you, thank you!" He bows before going into stand-up comedian mode. "Yeah! It's good to be back in da Cave! Who here's from the Cave?!"  
  
"E E E!!"  
  
"YEAH! The Cave ROCKS! Gotta love the cave!"  
  
Legolas blinks.  
  
"And what's the deal with lembas bread?!" He makes a disgusted face. "Exactly what do those damn elves PUT in there?! It's GOTTA give you cancer or somethin'!"  
  
"Hey, I resent that--"  
  
"Well, looky here everyone!" He stumbles over to his friend. "Are you Santa's little helper or a Keebler elf!?"  
  
"That's not funny Aragorn..."   
  
The bats squeak their approval.  
  
"Aw, look at those golden locks...and those pointy ears...and that tight little ass..."  
  
"Aragorn!" He blushes, slapping his hand away.  
  
"E EEE E E E EEEE!!!!"  
  
"It's not funny!" He points at the rapidly falling bats. "I'm not GAY!!!"  
  
"Come on buddy, that's not what ya said last night!"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
The remainder of the bats plummet to the ground in laughter.  
  
"What are you all laughing at?! IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!"  
  
"E E E E E EEEE E EEE!!!!!"  
  
He takes a deep breath and abruptly slaps Aragorn upside the head. "What the hell was that all about!?"  
  
"I dunno..." He looks around a little before resting his eyes on the elf. "...how YOU doin'?"  
  
"Oh, cut it out!"  
  
"What's da mattah companion of mine?"  
  
"...you're an idiot."  
  
*grin*  
  
"Come on, let's get out of here."  
  
"Okay!"  
  
He grabs his hand and yanks him toward the entrance of the cave.  
  
"...e?" One of the bats sees the movement and quickly takes flight. "E E E EEEEE!!!"  
  
'EE?!" The rest whip their heads up. "EEEEEEEEE!!!!"  
  
"Gah!" They break into a run.  
  
"E E E E EEE!!"  
  
"Aragorn, hurry up!"  
  
*huff huff pant*  
  
"I'm getting old!"  
  
"It's the booze! Don't let it get to you!"  
  
"Booze? WHERE?!"  
  
"Uh, right outside the cave!"  
  
"YAAAYYY!!!"  
  
He sprints ahead, dragging the flustered elf behind him.  
  
"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!!"  
  
The bats increase their screeching volume, sending rocks tumbling off the ceiling.  
  
"Ah, look out!"  
  
"Wha?" Aragorn turns to look, but catches his foot in a crack and flies forward, sending the two of them out of the cave.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" The bats scream as the exit is blockaded by boulders.  
  
"pant pant pant*  
  
"...that was a close one."  
  
*wheeze huff pant*  
  
"Hehehehe..."  
  
"....Aragorn...is that your hand?"  
  
*smile*  
  
"Oh, get off!"  
  
He shoves him away and sits up, looking at the sky.  
  
"I hope there isn't anymore lightning."  
  
*BOOM!*  
  
"IIEEEEE!!!!" Aragorn squeals and jumps into his comrade's lap. "I'M SCARED LEGGY!!"  
  
*sigh* "This is gonna be a long night..."  
  
Little did they know a bush rustled in the distance, accompanied by laughter.  
  
....err, psychotic giggles.  
  
O.O;;  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: *extra large gasp* What was that rustle?! Where will our heroes...*coughcough*...go!? Will I ever leave them alone!? Will the storm ever clear!? WILL I EVER OWN LORD OF THE RINGS?!  
  
....*blink*  
  
Tune in next time to find out. (and review! ^^) 


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